A Mother's Regret
by Lamanta
Summary: Mothers are always prone to worry, even when their children are long gone - thought's of Shindo's mother after the ending of the manga. I wrote this little piece of fiction to show her what she missed out on.


A Hikaru No Go Fanfiction

**REVISED on the 08/12/2010 due to concrit recieved from sherry! Hope the POV is consistent now...**

Thought's of Shindo's mother after the ending of the manga. Mothers are always prone to worry, even when their children are long gone. As I believe she was terribly neglect able of her child (and yes, I know it was so that she would not interfere with the plot of the manga) and did not try to connect with him again, even after it was clear that she lost the understanding she had of him I wrote this little piece of fiction to show her what she missed out on.

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_A Mother's Regret_

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Sometimes she did not know whether it was a blessing or a curse. _Something_ happened, there was a transformation her Hikaru went through and even when he still remained her son he had been changed in ways she never would have thought he would. She was sure it was more than the normal process of growing up. Going through puberty certainly did not such a number on her.

He had flitted through life but that had been okay, he was still young, she thought, he would learn the hardship it could bring while growing up and with this Hikaru would grow serious, or at least learn to be more responsible. But now, where was his care freeness? Where had his enthusiasm for _everything other than this old man's game_ gone to? How did he turn from an outgoing child into someone who barely spent any times outside of a house? Always in front of a goban, replaying old games or tutoring, playing with his friends and coworkers or playing for work.

She could not help but worry.

It was an obsession. She was just grateful that it was something respectable with which he could earn his bread, but it ate up his whole life. Filling his mind so completely everything else paled in comparison and how was he ever to find a good wife and experience all the other things the world had to offer if it did not even register in his head that there _were_ other things out there besides the black and white stones laid out on a goban? Where did that leave _her_?

Back then, when he was enamored with football, horrible at school and had the attention span of an easily distracted whelp she understood him. Now she could not relate to him at all and all the praise she got from the neighbors for having such a successful son did not ease the pain of looking at him and seeing a stranger.

Hikaru had never been as determined, devoted and disciplined as he was now. That were good qualities, she had to remind herself at times, and tried to convince herself that it was all a part of growing up. His teenage fancy she thought strange but was certain he would grow out of soon enough just happened to be his calling. There was nothing wrong with having a calling. Really, her son was lucky to have his go.

She herself did not know anything about go and unlike Akari she had not learned the game and instead avoided it like the alien concept it was for her. Uncomfortable in her cluelessness but unwilling to change anything about it. Complacent in her believe that it was unimportant and soon everything would go back to the way it had been before she made dinner like always and waited for Hikaru to come home again.

Too late she realized that through that she avoided her own, only son.

Having recognized the importance it held for him only after his whole life already revolved around it she did not manage to connect with Hikaru again. Grandfather was so proud, and a little part of her was too. Who wouldn't be if they had a kid talked about in newspaper and treated with respect, even if only by people with the same obsession? But he wasn't _hers_ anymore.

She never would have thought that having to let go of him would be this hard.

Especially as she knew that he already wasn't hers anymore. Had not been hers for a long time.

So she was stuck with being a tiny, neglect able part of his life.

And like mothers are wont to do when they are left to themselves she worried about her offspring. Not trusting him to know what was good for him. How _could_ he? Even if he was independent he was still so young and lacked experience. What did Hikaru truly know about what he wanted from life?

Winning a game was satisfaction for him – but it was not the happiness she wished he'd find in his life.

She wondered at where his passion went, not realizing that all of it was now concentrated on finding the hand of god; which was nothing but a fancy fraise to her but held so much meaning to him that it would have scared her had she known. Never having seen him play an informal game against the young Touya boy and never having witnessed his childish delight in outwitting his rival or simply arguing with him about possible moves she could not know that therein lay his happiness. Being the outsider of Hikaru's social life she wasn't with him when he was together with Waya and Izumi talking about other things than go and titles, such as music, new games or rehashing the old argument of sushi versus ramen. Still following her old routine and waiting for Hikaru to come home even long after he moved out of the house.

She never asked and so was in the dark as to the complete normality of Hikaru's life.

Stuck in her habit of inaction Hikaru kept drifting farther away from her and so she never knew that there wasn't anything to worry about at all.

Just life with all it's up and downs.

At the end of the day she regretted bitterly the way things turned out for her and her family.

Taking the phone into her hand she dialed Hikaru's number which she knew by heart even if it was rarely used. Picturing her little boy in her mind but ending up with the face of the too serious stranger she nearly hung up again. But her wish to reconnect with Hikaru was stronger than her fear of what she mind find. The possibility of being disappointed with how he turned out or hearing that he was disappointed in _her_ was a risk she needed to take. After a few rings he picked up. Taking a deep breath she took her first step into the unknown world of go and back into her son's life with the simple words:

"How was your game today?"

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**FIN**


End file.
